CORE Butte High School Juniors were mandated to do CAASPP testing on Thursday, where they had to endure the forced imprisonment and child-slave labor that is California’s standardized testing.

After an hour of this, students were seen shaking in their chairs, eyeing escape, even hallucinating. To help them stay in their seats, students were ‘subjected to involuntary physical restraint,’ or in plain language: they were handcuffed to their seats. CORE provided the handcuffs free of charge.

Students mindlessly resisted this restraint, thrashing until their wrists were lacerated and their arms went numb, and reluctantly had to finish the test. Further studies after this experience indicated signs of PTSD and 30% less brain cells than before. The bad news is that these effects are irreversible (and will affect future testing scores); the good news is that reduced brain cells may set CORE testers up for a future in politics.

According to the Geneva Convention, this kind of treatment would be considered cruel and unusual punishment for prisoners of war. Still, since we’re not prisoners of war, it’s called “assisted accountability.”

In order to encourage future participation, those students who skipped the testing day are now at the top of America’s Most Wanted and are being hunted down by blackhawks, K-9’s, and tanks, and may be required to serve in underground mines for the rest of their lives.

Sophomores, you’re up next! If you want to prep for the test, you may want to:

– Bleach your eyes

– Go off the grid

– Fake your Death